How To Catch An Usako
by nerdituderocks
Summary: Join evil Mamoru as he tries to conquer the heart of our beloved heroine, but how will she react? Only one way to find out...
1. Preface

Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon, but if I did...Mamoru/Darien would be all mine. Muahhahaha :D

Mamoru sighed as he gazed at her. She was simply breath-taking, her innocent beauty captivating the hearts of victimised men who were not worthy of her presence. The way her nose crinkled when she smelt something strange, the way her head tilted ever-so slightly when she found something rather amusing. The way she pouted when she had an argument with Rei and the way her eyes lit up with fire when she duelled a battle of wits with Mamoru, and yet she was only sixteen. Sixteen – far too young! Yet Mamoru couldn't stop the desire that was building in his very core. She was a woman now. She was his. Only time would decide what the future would hold for the two star-crossed lovers and he decided that the future was in his hands…


	2. Fishing for ideas

Urgh 4:20. Where was she? She was meant to be here half an hour ago. I perched up on the counter as I wrote furiously into my notebook – if she wasn't here, I'd make use of the time. Oh-ho I had a plan alright! A great one it was as well. How to win Usako's heart *insert girly squeal here* Clever name, huh? Well I thought it suited her perfectly. My Usako. It sort of rang a bell. Muahhaha you shall be mine!

"Mamoru, MAMORU!" Andrew waved his hands in front of my face. What a prat, did he think I was a psycho or something? I mean, c'mon!

"Huh?" Oh come on you can do better than that Chiba. "Oh, erm yes Motoki?" Nice one Mamoru. Nice. Way to play it cool.

"Dude don't look at me like I'm some kind of stalker, I've been calling you for the past ten minutes. Yeesh." Geez what a drama queen. Was that a pout? I really needed to have a chat with him. "Mamoru you're doing it again. I'm not a piece of meat yano… you're excessive drooling is starting to freak me out man."

Huh drool? Mamoru Chiba drooling? THE Mamoru Chiba DID NOT drool! Not ever. I aimlessly ran my finger over my mouth noticing it was dry and gave him the best dirty I could muster. You know the one girls give each other which clearly says 'get away from my man' *finger snap.* Oh I was on a roll.

"Hoho, priceless. But seriously Mamo Jamo you want to take it easy. That's your fourth cup today and Usagi isn't even here yet!" he said with a knowing smile. Mamo Jamo? Urgh I wanted to pound his pretty face in. I mean c'mon, did he really think we would go to Starbucks, share our feelings and cry over our non-existent love lives? Pfft!

"Oh fourth?" Good one, don't show weaknesses at the mention of that glorious name. But seriously, was it my fourth one already? I was acting like an alcoholic to his booze. A junkie to his dope or a fat kid to his cake. It just seemed to go right through me. Aaah. "Make that five Toki." He nodded and went into hibernation for what seemed like hours. Dang.

"Here you go. Oh hey Usa-chan." Pfft, I was smarter than that. Usagi my left butt cheek. If he thought he'd get a reaction from me, he was damn wrong! I brought the hot liquid to my tongue –

"Hey Motoki-onii-san! Two shakes to go please." I spluttered, literally, and then choked on the remaining liquid as I rubbed the wound in circular motions. "You know baka, I never knew _you_ were such a klutz!" she sniggered as she handed me her hankie and looked down towards… (C'mon you don't need to be a scientist to know where the coffee stained). Ok Mamoru, be nice, be nice.

"Gee Odango, I didn't know you were such a perv." Erm ok well that thought went down the drain. One. Two. Three… "Ouch Odango, what was that for?" Damn, that was going to make a mark.

"Me? A perv? Hermph, in your dreams baka." Feisty or what owww. I swear she's getting sexier every day.

"I'm counting on that." *wink* Get in there Mamoru, seduce the seductress.

"Urgh baka, do you have something in your eye? It keeps twitching." *sweatdrop* "You should really get it checked out, it looks POSSESSED!" Wow, is she that dense?

"Hoho, Usa-chan here are your shakes." Good save Motoki; I seriously owed him for that.

"Thank you Motoki-onii-san. See ya later. Bye jerk!" I swear her absence left an ominous shadow in the room. Oh what poetry Mamoru, she'll surely want a pansy for a boyfriend.

"Hmm, I'll be back later Motoki. There's something I need to investigate."

"Alright Mamoru, don't do anything stupid. I'll pummel you to the ground if you hurt her." God, I swear he was psychic.

"Psshh. You know I'm a good boy..." Ok – well that was sort of half true. I donated to charity. I helped old ladies cross the road. I was in a league of my own.

I crossed the street catching sight of familiar dumplings and noticed my heart stop…

Who the f*** was that guy? And why was he snuggled against MY USAKO?


	3. Bait

Alright picture this. Mamoru Chiba rolling around [ON THE FLOOR!], dodging every obstacle in his path with his black shades. Dang. I'm not kidding. I swear I should've auditioned for James Bond. Pssht, I'd kick his butt any day – oh yeah baby! Ah, back to the point.

WTF WAS USAKO DOING WITH ANOTHER MAN?

She belonged to me.

Only me.

What were they talking about? Why was he leaning into her whispering sweet nothings into her ear when it should've been me? Why was she laughing along with him?

I moved in closer for erm – inspection – yeah lets go with that and – arghh STUPID MUTT! (A/N a dog has peed all over Mamoru's legs and Usagi and the 'mystery man' have disappeared from sight)

"Get off!" I doubt Odango would've been wooed by me with dog crap all over my pants. Shit.

Where was she gone?

"Ahaha baka, had _another_ accident have we? Darn it, I knew I should've brought my camera today." Aww was that a pout? Wait a second Chiba, what are you thinking? She just dissed you!

"Whatever Odango, I was potty trained unlike you. What happened to you anyways? It looks like you've got two ding-dongs on your head!" Ouch! Muahaha, see I was on a role. One. Two. Three. Is she serious? That was definitely gonna leave a mark.

"BAKA! They're called pigtails!" She scrunched up her face, aww how adorable.

"Oink. Oink."

"What are you doing, moron?" What _was_ I doing?

"What does it look like? Oink, oink. I was tryna imitate you Odango for brains!" I swear my language was slipperier than soap. I mentally cursed myself, ready for the beating which was about to happen.

"That's ironic coming from the swine himself." I turned around coming face to face with none other than the home wrecker. Ahh, Mr Lover Boy eh? I'll show him.

"And who was talking to _you_?" Go on Chiba, show him. Show him gurrrd.

"Any being with the tiniest amount of evolutionary intelligence would know how to talk to a lady in a proper manner. Guess you haven't reached that stage yet, have you?" Oooh was he calling me an ape? Oh no he ditent! *finger snap*

"Well if I saw a lady, I would." Psshtt, Usako's technically a woman in my eyes. Smart move Chiba. Smart move.

"Uh leave it Tenoe-san; baka's too immature to talk to ladies. Hermph!" Ladies?

"Ladies?" I looked around noticing no one else was around except for us three. That meant –

"Yes. That would be me, Haruka Tenoe. Anyways Usagi-chan, I'm going to meet Michiru-sama now. Wish me good luck? As for you baka, in normal circumstances I would say it was nice to meet you…but then I'd be lying. Leave Usagi-chan alone or you'll have both of my feet stuck up your sorry ass." Pftt who did he – I mean she – who did _**she**_ think she was?

"Hehe, bye Tenoe-san." How dare she hug MY USAKO? "HAHAHAHA, baka. Did you really think Haruka was a guy? How funny. HAHAHA." I felt my face burn up with a red hue as I relived the last few minutes in my head. Haruka Tenoe was a girl. That could only mean one thing. Shit.

"Odango, I'm only gona say this once, ok?" She nodded her head as I braced myself for the worst. *Gulp* "Are…you…"

"SPIT IT OUT CHIBA!" Geez, WOMAN!

"Ok… are _you_ a – lesbian?" I mentally shuddered. How could I woo Usako if she was swinging the other way?

"Gahh! What did you just say?"

"It's ok Usagi, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Plenty of people come out of the closet. It's natural?" Only not for youuu. Why oh whyyyyyy? She twitched, then giggled, then laughed until she was on the floor roaring like a tiger. Dang.

"You—you think I'm – a –a lesbian? HAHAHAHHAHA. Oh Mamoru that's hilarious! When did you become so funny?" How dare she? She was laughing at _my_ pain.

"Eh, how can you blame me? You were practically doing THE DEED on the bench!" The imaged burned my eyes painfully as I recalled the memories. She stopped laughing and then came so close to my face that I could practically taste her cherry lip balm. Oh Kami-sama. She was killing me.

"You perv! She was telling me something private. Not that it's any of your business. Why were you following me anyway? Are you stalking me?" Wow. She was serious. Ok Chiba, deny it. Deny everything!

"Pfft, don't flatter yourself."

"Whatever baka, as if I wanted your attention!"

"You wana bet?"

"Yeah!"

"Yeah!"

"I SAID YEAHH!"

"Whoa, calm down Odango, someone might get the wrong impression." I watched as her faced turned a deep shade of red as she spluttered comprehending what I was insinuating. Bless.

"Hermph. Get lost; I would _never _do anything of the sort with you!"

"Hmm, we may have to test that theory Odango." And boy was I willing to *girly squeal*

"What do you mean _baka_?" Beautiful scrunched up her nose and folded her arms ready for my answer.

"Well…"

"Well?"

"To prove you're not a lesbian… I think I'm going to have to try something?"

"Which is? HEY! I am NOT a lesbian!"

"I don't think I believe you…"

"Pfft, what do you want me to do baka?"

"I'm going to have to –"

"Spit it out Chiba!"

"I'm going to have to kiss you…"


End file.
